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Keljo's KornerComplaint department! Quit yer' bitchin'! August 15 Your second verse . . .I was reading a blog by author Jason Wright (The Wednesday Letters), when he posed the question “what would your second verse sound like?” and it started me thinking about not only WHAT my second verse would sound like, but WHEN my second verse would have begun. I have had many ‘moments’ in my life where traumatic events have affected me in one way or another. My Nana died from cancer when I was in college, my mother battled breast cancer and beat it four years ago, my own battle with cancer last fall or the loss of a great friend on September 11th. The two moments that stand out the most are of course, 9/11, and also my battle with cancer last fall. After 9/11, I was angry, devastated. How could this happen here? How could it happen to Lizz? Why her? Why 3,000 of my fellow Americans? As the details of that day began to emerge, I learned of the heroism of my friend and her fellow passengers aboard United Flight 93 and of those in Washington DC and NYC. As an American, I was proud of those who faced death without fear and those who died trying to save others. I knew that Lizz didn’t go without a fight and I knew I had to learn from her untimely and tragic death and go through life fighting. To put it a better way, I needed to live like I was dying. Tim McGraw’s song with that title really stopped me in my tracks the first time I heard it. I sat and cried. Sobbed really. What Oprah calls the ‘ugly cry’, when you cry so hard that your nose runs and you can barely catch your breath. Here are the lyrics and if you haven’t heard the song, I suggest you listen to it. REALLY listen. Stop, take five minutes and just focus on the song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7mHaFMqde6A
He said I was in my early forties and he said He said I was finally the husband and then Like tomorrow was a gift and you got eternity to think about Sky diving
OK, so I didn’t do anything dramatic like go sky diving or bull riding, but I took the message to heart. I decided to take a chance. I rescued a cat even though I was allergic. I bought a house even though I knew it would be a risk and a lot of work as a single woman. I became truer to myself and stopped letting people take advantage of me and started stripping my life of the people who were draining me and reached out and forged new relationships. Then last fall I got news that no one wants to ever hear - I had a baseball sized tumor in my chest that had collapsed my lung. I needed surgery, right away. Suddenly I felt as if I was that person in the song Tim was talking about, only I was in my early 30s. I was terrified. Who would take care of my cat? What would become of my house? Did I have enough life insurance? How would my family handle this? What about my nephew? Then it sunk in - I could DIE. They couldn’t determine if it was cancer from the scans and x rays, so they would have to do an extraction and biopsy. I had a team of surgeons operate on me because of the size of the tumor and the proximity to my heart and lungs. They had to saw my sternum in half to get to the tumor. The surgery itself took about six hours and they tumor came out in one piece and had not invaded my lungs or my heart. It was growing off the vagus nerve in my chest. I knew going into the surgery that my vocal chords had been partially paralyzed and that in all likelihood would not recover without the possibility of further surgery. The first priority was getting the tumor out of my chest and returning my breathing to normal. My lung easily re inflated and I was able to breath comfortably again. Three days in the hospital and I was sent home to my parent’s house for a while before finally returning to my own home to rest and recover. Six weeks later, the news came that the tumor was indeed cancer. Malignant Peripheral Nerve Sheath Tumor (MPNST), most common in patients with Neurofibromatosis (which I have). I was devastated. The cancer doesn’t respond to Chemotherapy, so six weeks of daily Radiation Therapy was the recommend course of action. Having cancer is one of the most humbling experiences a person can go through. It stops you dead in your tracks and fills you with dread and uncertainty. Once I completed my treatment, my oncologist was optimistic. I’m glad he was, because I certainly wasn’t. If I could offer one word of advice to anyone diagnosed with ANYTHING, under NO CIRCUMSTANCE should you jump on the internet to read up on your diagnosis. It’ll scare the shit out of you. Just don’t do it. From what I had read, I’d be dead in months. But here we are, 9 months since surgery and 6 months since completing treatment and I am still here, in remission and back to living my daily life. One thing HAS changed. I have a totally new perspective on things. The ‘stuff’ that used to bother me and irritate me doesn’t. If weeds grow and I don’t have time to pull them, so what! If I get forced OT at work, oh well! If my dog goes to the bathroom in the living room, who cares? No time for housework, fine! If I don’t feel like doing anything other than laying on the floor playing with my dog and cat then that is what I do. The rest can wait. It’s not important. What is important is to do the things that you enjoy and that make you happy while you still can. I BEAT CANCER and all the headaches in the world will not drag me down. That is MY second verse. Excuse me now while I go clean up some dog doo……. August 10 WE GOT A CONTRACT!!!There will be NO STRIKE!
A new tentative three-year contract settlement with Verizon achieves union employees’ major goals of promoting union jobs and expanding bargaining rights, providing good health care for both active and retired workers, and increasing wages and pensions for 65,000 workers from Virginia to Maine, the Communications Workers of America and International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers reported. In a breakthrough agreement, Verizon will extend union recognition to 600 former MCI technicians at Verizon Business who have been seeking representation for nearly two years. These workers, who perform the same jobs as the union workforce, have received strong support from CWA and IBEW members in a campaign to “tear down the wall” between union and non-union sectors at Verizon. The agreement also includes new opportunities for union workers to provide customer support and service at Verizon Business. The tentative settlement also eliminates subcontracting of work in a number of job areas, converts many temporary jobs to permanent and brings additional jobs associated with Verizon’s cutting edge FiOS technology into the union bargaining units. Overall, the settlement should create 2,500 new union jobs. Verizon and the unions have agreed to meet regularly during the course of the new agreement to review technological and business developments affecting employment, which will allow the company to stay current with business opportunities while also insuring that the unions are able to continue to represent employees as the business environment changes. The issue of health costs and benefits was a major focus of the talks, as it has been in contract negotiations in virtually every industry. The settlement preserves fully-paid health care premiums for all active and retired employees. Future hires will have a defined contribution formula for retirement health care with the amount of Verizon’s contributions subject to negotiation in each subsequent contract. In addition, Verizon agreed to work with the unions in a joint effort to achieve meaningful health care reform. The company will provide funding of $2 million per year to the project. The settlement calls for wage increases totaling 10.87 percent compounded over the three-year contract term. COLA (cost of living adjustment) language remains in the contract. Pension bands also will be increased by 10.87 percent compounded over the term of the agreement. The settlement also provides for a streamlined grievance dispute resolution system which will speed up a process that has been taking as long as three years to complete. “This is a breakthrough agreement in many ways,” said CWA President Larry Cohen. “It creates new union jobs including major growth areas like FiOS, it takes a big step forward on health care and it brings hundreds of Verizon Business employees the union rights they deserve. We applaud management for agreeing to keep the best health coverage in America and for their commitment to work with us for real health care reform. This settlement provides a framework for growth at Verizon and a good standard of living with careers for our members.” “This agreement is a tribute to the solidarity and activism of IBEW and CWA members working at Verizon,” said IBEW President Ed Hill. “Our members mobilized strong and negotiated hard for a good contract that will benefit workers and their families now and in the future. We congratulate union and company negotiators for finding solid common ground upon which we can build a better Verizon. With this agreement we have met our goals to protect the retirees who helped build this company and have negotiated important provisions that will ensure future jobs for union members.”
Following is a summary of the tentative agreement
Summary
I. Prior to Age 65 and Medicare Eligibility
1. Retiree Only: - $12,580 2. Retiree + 1 - $25,160 3. Retiree + Family - $31,450
II. Age 65 and after and Medicare Eligible
1. Retiree Only: - $ 6,330 2. Retiree + 1 - $12,660 3. Retiree + Family - $18,990
i. Once they retire (under the same eligibility requirements as currently required), they will receive an annual payment equal to $430 times years of service (to a maximum of 30 years). ii. The parties will negotiate this amount in future years to reflect changes in the cost of health coverage
August 09 John Edwardsis a pig. I ued to like him. I voted for him and Kerry in the last election. I thought he was a good guy, family man, standing by his wife during her battle against cancer. But he CHEATED on her. Then when he said that his wife was in 'remission at the time' like that made it better, I almost lost it. Whether or not Elizabeth Edwards was in remission or not, he CHOOSE to ignore his vows and slept with another woman. I hope that child is NOT his. He doesn't deserve to be a father again. Selfish bastard. Egotistical moron, Religious hypocrit, smooth talking asshole. I hate politicians and now he adds yet another strike against MEN. People wonder why I CHOOSE to be single. Why bother? Jackasses will just cheat on you when the chips are down anyway. I have no idea how Elizabeth can stand him, let alone LOOK at him. I'd castrate the bastard. She has dealt with the loss of her son, her own battle with incurable cancer and now a lying, cheating scumbag of a husband. I pray for that woman. May she have strength and dignity in light of these latest devolpments and focus her energy on HERself, her health and her children.
On a sad note....Bernie Mac, the Emmy and Golden Globe nominated actor and comedian who worked his way to Hollywood success from an impoverished upbringing on Chicago's South Side, died Saturday at age 50. I loved him in the 'Ocean's' movies, 'The Bernie Mac Show' and his stand up routines including "The Original Kings of Comedy". The comedic world has lost yet another great, following the loss of George Carlin. My thoughts and prayers go out to his family. August 08 Here we go again.....AS BARGAINING DRAGS ON, UNIONS SET MIDNIGHT SUNDAY AS DEADLINE TO COMPLETE VERIZON CONTRACT TALKS; STRIKE ACTION POSSIBLE THEN.
*READY-TO-WALK RALLIES TODAY* With the pace of bargaining lagging, the Communications Workers of America (CWA) and the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers (IBEW) announced today that they have set a new deadline of midnight Sunday to complete contract negotiations for 65,000 unionized Verizon workers from Virginia to Massachusetts. Strike action is possible at that time (12:01 am, August 11th) if the negotiations fail to produce a fair contract by then. “With $5.5 billion in profits, Verizon can afford to stop outsourcing the high-quality, family-supporting jobs that our communities need. Today, thousands of our members will be picketing and rallying from Virginia to Massachusetts to let Verizon management know that we need to have a fair contract by midnight Sunday,” said Chris Shelton, Vice President, CWA District 1. The current contract, which covers 65,000 members of the CWA and the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers (IBEW) was slated to expire at midnight on Saturday, August 3rd. Late this past Saturday night, the unions announced that in light of progress that had been made in bargaining, they had agreed to “stop the clock” on the expiration of the current contract and postpone strike action. Bargainers had reported significant progress at the bargaining table between the two sides. Since Saturday’s agreement to “stop the clock,” progress at the bargaining table has been uneven, particularly on outsourcing, subcontracting and union recognition issues. Since 2003, Verizon has outsourced and subcontracted thousands of jobs. Notable examples include: Customer service representatives who serve large business customers in the mid-Atlantic states have seen their jobs move from the bargaining unit to the company’s non-union Verizon Business subsidiary. At the same time, management is shifting Verizon Business customer service work to the Philippines. Highly skilled technicians at Verizon’s northern Virginia long distance central office (Global Networks) are being replaced by subcontractors, and contractors are getting all the new and future work. When it was trying to get approval to build out the new fiber-optic TV/internet network, called FiOS, in New York City, Verizon pledged to keep quality, local jobs in the New York community. Now, Verizon is backing off that promise. A new Fiber Solutions Center (customer service support center) may not be located in the New York metropolitan area at all but instead may be sent out of state. Verizon’s suppression of the right to organize at Verizon Business, where a majority of technicians in the Northeast have signed union cards indicating they want to join CWA and IBEW. Customer support and technical support work for Verizon’s DSL and on line services have been shifted to Canada, India and the Philippines. Along with outsourcing and subcontracting issues, other major issues in the negotiations include health care costs for current and retired workers and adequate wage increases in a time of rapidly increasing food and gas prices. Verizon wants to send MORE of our jobs overseas. Period. It means less customer service for YOU, the customer, more unemployed - SKILLED workers and BIGGER PROFITS for a company that already makes billions. Verizon wants CWA and IBEW to allow our work to be sent over seas as the company sees fit. In the last 10 years, Verizon has succeded in going from 70% union to the 30% unionized workforce it has today. That is frightening! Who do YOU want coming to YOUR house to install FiOS?? A skilled, criminally screened, drug tested, highly trained UNION employee OR a day laborer they hire off the streets? Yes, that is where our sub contractors get their work force - day laborers. Many illegals.
Sign the petition, cancel your Verizon service (or threaten to!) if they do not keep jobs in AMERICA. Americans deserve the RIGHT to CHOOSE whether or not they want a union, and the Employee Free Choice Act guarentees that RIGHT!
I know in this day and age, a lot of people are anti union because they perceive Union bosses as greedy, union employees as lazy. In some cases, that may very well be true. In my case, we are so highly monitored (GPS units on trucks) and we are watched closely by managment that very fee 'lazy' people last at Verizon - even with union protection.
All I know is that I like my job. I would like to keep my job. I don't want to start over somewhere else and then try to deal with 'Larry' in Bagalor India when I have an issue with my telephone service. We are a communications company and we MUST be able to communicate with our customers.
If you don't want to sign the petition, or threaten to cancel your Verizon FiOS service, then at least take the time to write to Ivan Seidleburg and tell him that as a customer, you want skilled, qualified AMERICANS handling your account. Take action, or the customer service you lose could be yours.
Verizon
Attn: Ivan Seidenberg CEO
140 West St.
New York, NY 10007
Phone: 212-395-1000
Fax: 212-571-1897 Toll Free: 800-621-9900 August 07 Best explanation yet!!!While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Texas rancher, who had caught his hand in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our next President. The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'post turtle'.' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher replied, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top - that's a 'post turtle'.' The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumb ass put him up there to begin with.' August 03 Stopping the clockUnions, Verizon Agree to 'Stop the Clock' on Contract ExpirationAugust 3, 2008
Washington, D.C. -- The Communications Workers of America announced tonight that in light of progress that has been made in bargaining for a new contract with Verizon, it has agreed to "stop the clock" on the expiration of the current contract and postpone strike action while negotiations continue. The current contract will remain in effect.
The current contract, which covers 65,000 members of CWA and the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers (IBEW) who work for Verizon from Massachusetts to Virginia, was set to expire at 12:01 a.m. Sunday, August 3rd. Oh well....it's the wait and see approach for the rest of the weekend. We have been instructed to expect to report to work on Monday as normal. I really hope we don't work without a contract like we did last time. That mess dragged on for five weeks and we had to be prepared to walk off the job at the drop of a hat for over a month. It was maddening. It was a frantic flurry of text messages as the deadline approached, and to be told that we were 'stopping the clock' at the last minute was frustrating. I am thrilled that progress was made, but I was hoping for a definate resolution at midnight. I want peace of mind, a job, my benefits and at least a five year deal. STOP sending our jobs to Bangalor India! We can't understand them, out customers can't understand them and it's frustrating to have a communication barrier when you WORK FOR A COMMUNICATIONS company!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No wonder sites like verizonsucks.com exist. As an employee, when I call our employee helpdesk and I get 'Larry' in India who doesn't understand me, and I don't understand him there is no HELP being had.
August 02 The final countdown... to a contract is upon us. If CWA and Verizon do not reach an agreement by midnight Saturday, we may very well walk. *sigh*
Things are not looking promising. As far as the bargaining updates are relating to us, the talks have gone nowhere. The company and the union cannot agree on anything. Of course Verizon wants to cut our benefits for current employees and retirees; want the ability to outsource the work, hire sub contractors and any other non union group they can get their hands on; and they also want us to give up our corporate profit sharing that we get each March.
What I want to know is how much of the profit sharing is Ivan going to give up? Verizon posted record profits of BILLIONS of dollars and they want us to give up the $700 we get each March? Are you fucking KIDDING ME???? The CEO and VPs and corporate big wigs make MILLIONS each year nad have gaurenteed BENEFITS FOR LIFE and they want OUR RETIREES to suddenly go without? NO FRIGGIN' way. I am tired of corporate greed. We do quality work and deserve every penny that we make. Without us, Verizon would NOT succeed as a business. How many customers are sick and tired of calling tech support and getting someone who doesn't speak english and is onviously reading from a script? I feel sorry for our FiOS customers....they have no idea the mess they are getting themselves into when they install that service. wait until the union jobs are gone and you have to call Bangalor India to get tech support and set up a repair visit and wait 6 weeks for a sub contractor who hires illegals to come to your house and fix your service. Verizon was already cited for having sub contractors hiring illegals last year (right here in PA - locally) to run our fiber.
I ask you this - who would you rather have come to your house to install service? A union employee who has been drug tested, passed criminal backgrounds checks and is highly monitered with GPS units by supervisors OR a sub contractor who hires whomever they please and you have no idea if they have been screened for drugs, a criminal record or if they are even in the coutry legally??
I know many people in these days are anti union. They think unions are corrupt and enable dead beats to keep their jobs. In some cases, that may be true but for the most part, unions protect American jobs, American workers from corporate greed, prevents people from being fired at the drop of a hat or some managers whim. I grew up union, and hope to die union.
It is because of my bargained for benefits that I was able to stay home for four months while I battled cancer - and get PAID through my disability benefits through the UNION BARGAINED for contract. Otherwise I would have either had to work during treatment or borrow money from friends, family or the bank to keep a roof over my head and food on my plate. While I sometimes disagree with the union, I am pround to be a member and have the protection that the union provides in the workplace.
So now I sit and wait....will we or won't we strike? Only time will tell......less than 24 hours and counting......
July 27 Handicap RantI just returned from my typical late night run to WalMart. I like going there late because there are fewer people and I can get in and out quickly.
Here's my rant. I counted THREE cars and a motorcycle parked in designated handicapped spots or on the lines next to them (those lines are meant for wheelchair access). And that was just MY row! I checked for plates and a placard and there was none on any of the offenders. One car had a man sitting in it, smoking. I suppse he was waiting for someone in the store, but he DID NOT have a placard and there was empty spaces NEXT to the handicapped spots. I know, I parked in one of them!
To make matters worse, while I was in the store, there were two young 'men' using the motorized scooters to wheel around the store. Laughing all the way as they played bumper cars with them. Where was managment? Employees? This is not the first occasion I have witnessed this at WalMart.
What the hell is WRONG with people? Mostly I find it's young people, teens mostly. Do people assume that because it is late at night there are no handicapped people out and about? I have been tempted to leave notes on their cars or call the cops. Calling the cops is useless, especially on a Friday night. They are otherwise occupied with real criminals, but I am sure most of the teens I saw roaming WalMart were under 18 and violating their curfew with the junior driving license. More importantly, where are their PARENTS? Did they never teach them courtesy? The difference between right and wrong? HUMANITY? It is incidents like this that make me fear for MY future as these are the kids that will be running the world when I am old and grey.
There isn't much more I can do at this point. I am going to write to WalMart Corp, the store itself and send a copy to the city police. Maybe they'll do something about the loitering at least. THAT alone will solve the problem. I was a teen once, so I know how it is to want to 'hang out' but we were KICKED out if we were not buying anything or obviously loitering and the cops were called. We used to walk around town all night, doing laps. If we were lucky enough to have a car that night, we 'cruised' town. We would go to McDonald's, get some fries and kill some time. Then we'd be kicked out and by that time, it was almost 11pm and we had to head home. WHY? Because that was the LAW and MY parents certainly wouldn't let me stay out to 11:01 let alone midnight. They cared, they paid attention. Seems to me that kids today don't have that discipline. How sad.
I can't believe I am 35 and already ranting about 'kids today'.
Wake me up when November ends....I know, I know...the song is called 'Wake Me Up When SEPTEMBER ends'....but with the way this year's presidential coverage overload....I would LOVE to sleep until November has finally ended. If it weren't for football, I would beg to be placed in a drug induced coma - I am that tired of seeing Barack Obama on the TV screen. I am on media coverage overload, or overdose, when it comes to Barack Obama. Seriously, can we have ONE half hour of news coverage that doesn't cover this man? There are missing moms, kids, baby's stolen from mother's wombs, devestating storms in Texas and what about those in the midwest who suffered through the devestating floods? How the heck are THOSE people doing? We are STILL hearing about Katrina - but unless you search the web news yourself, you have no idea how the people in the mid west are rebuilding their lives. I have five cable news channels and with the exception of Nancy Grace on Headline News, you would think the only thing happening in the world is where Barack Obama is going to speak next. The only thing we DON'T know about this man is whether or not he is 'regular' in his bowel movements and if the campaign trail has affected his bowel movements in any way. Hey, some people are affected by stress and travel. Something I read a long while back about 'safe toilet syndrome' - maybe it was Dr. Oz on Oprah that talked about that......hmmmmmm. It's were you can't 'go' unless you feel safe and relaxed like you do at home. It goes back to the 'flight or fight' instinct. No one wants to be caught with their pants down - literally, in this case. I wonder if he likes Fruit Loops cereal.....or if he is a Corn Flakes or Cheerios kind of man. If he has bowel issues and is always away from his 'safe toilet' then maybe he is a bran man. Hmmmm, I am sure we'll eventually know. Especially with the NEVER ENDING, FUCKING COVERAGE OF THE MAN.
Speaking of Oprah, where the hell has SHE been during all this coverage? Isn't she a big fan and supporter? Why not add her to the media craziness and add yet another hour of programming to the Annointed One's coverage. ARGH!!! Please - someone kill me. I am a democrat and I cannot bring myself to vote for this man. He reminds me of the likes of Warren Jeffs and the leader of that Heaven's Gate cult - people blindly beleive him and cheer for him and follow him around like he is the greatest thing since sliced bread. It is quite terrifying, truly. He has no experience....he isn't quite qualified, he is too young, too wet behind the ears....and THIS is what our democratic party comes up with? Do the democrats WANT to lose every presidential election? November is still wuite some ways off. There is plenty of time for Ombamamania to come to a crashing hault and for democratic Americans to shake off the stupor and come to the realization that this man is not right for the job of Commander in Chief. But for now, we will hear about change, chnage, and more change. What exactly will 'change' is still a mystery to me as I can't quite pinpoint a solid stance on any matter from the man. Flip flop anyone?
This brings me to a story I came across a few moments ago....it's simply brilliant.
From The Times
July 25, 2008
He ventured forth to bring light to the worldThe anointed one's pilgrimage to the Holy Land is a miracle in action - and a blessing to all his faithful followersGerard Baker
And it came to pass, in the eighth year of the reign of the evil Bush the Younger (The Ignorant), when the whole land from the Arabian desert to the shores of the Great Lakes had been laid barren, that a Child appeared in the wilderness. The Child was blessed in looks and intellect. Scion of a simple family, offspring of a miraculous union, grandson of a typical white person and an African peasant. And yea, as he grew, the Child walked in the path of righteousness, with only the occasional detour into the odd weed and a little blow. When he was twelve years old, they found him in the temple in the City of Chicago, arguing the finer points of community organisation with the Prophet Jeremiah and the Elders. And the Elders were astonished at what they heard and said among themselves: “Verily, who is this Child that he opens our hearts and minds to the audacity of hope?” In the great Battles of Caucus and Primary he smote the conniving Hillary, wife of the deposed King Bill the Priapic and their barbarian hordes of Working Class Whites. And so it was, in the fullness of time, before the harvest month of the appointed year, the Child ventured forth - for the first time - to bring the light unto all the world. He travelled fleet of foot and light of camel, with a small retinue that consisted only of his loyal disciples from the tribe of the Media. He ventured first to the land of the Hindu Kush, where the Taleban had harboured the viper of al-Qaeda in their bosom, raining terror on all the world. And the Child spake and the tribes of Nato immediately loosed the Caveats that had previously bound them. And in the great battle that ensued the forces of the light were triumphant. For as long as the Child stood with his arms raised aloft, the enemy suffered great blows and the threat of terror was no more. From there he went forth to Mesopotamia where he was received by the great ruler al-Maliki, and al-Maliki spake unto him and blessed his Sixteen Month Troop Withdrawal Plan even as the imperial warrior Petraeus tried to destroy it. And lo, in Mesopotamia, a miracle occurred. Even though the Great Surge of Armour that the evil Bush had ordered had been a terrible mistake, a waste of vital military resources and doomed to end in disaster, the Child's very presence suddenly brought forth a great victory for the forces of the light. And the Persians, who saw all this and were greatly fearful, longed to speak with the Child and saw that the Child was the bringer of peace. At the mention of his name they quickly laid aside their intrigues and beat their uranium swords into civil nuclear energy ploughshares. From there the Child went up to the city of Jerusalem, and entered through the gate seated on an ass. The crowds of network anchors who had followed him from afar cheered “Hosanna” and waved great palm fronds and strewed them at his feet. In Jerusalem and in surrounding Palestine, the Child spake to the Hebrews and the Arabs, as the Scripture had foretold. And in an instant, the lion lay down with the lamb, and the Israelites and Ishmaelites ended their long enmity and lived for ever after in peace. As word spread throughout the land about the Child's wondrous works, peoples from all over flocked to hear him; Hittites and Abbasids; Obamacons and McCainiacs; Cameroonians and Blairites. And they told of strange and wondrous things that greeted the news of the Child's journey. Around the world, global temperatures began to decline, and the ocean levels fell and the great warming was over. The Great Prophet Algore of Nobel and Oscar, who many had believed was the anointed one, smiled and told his followers that the Child was the one generations had been waiting for. And there were other wonderful signs. In the city of the Street at the Wall, spreads on interbank interest rates dropped like manna from Heaven and rates on credit default swaps fell to the ground as dead birds from the almond tree, and the people who had lived in foreclosure were able to borrow again. Black gold gushed from the ground at prices well below $140 per barrel. In hospitals across the land the sick were cured even though they were uninsured. And all because the Child had pronounced it. And this is the testimony of one who speaks the truth and bears witness to the truth so that you might believe. And he knows it is the truth for he saw it all on CNN and the BBC and in the pages of The New York Times. Then the Child ventured forth from Israel and Palestine and stepped onto the shores of the Old Continent. In the land of Queen Angela of Merkel, vast multitudes gathered to hear his voice, and he preached to them at length. But when he had finished speaking his disciples told him the crowd was hungry, for they had had nothing to eat all the hours they had waited for him. And so the Child told his disciples to fetch some food but all they had was five loaves and a couple of frankfurters. So he took the bread and the frankfurters and blessed them and told his disciples to feed the multitudes. And when all had eaten their fill, the scraps filled twelve baskets. Thence he travelled west to Mount Sarkozy. Even the beauteous Princess Carla of the tribe of the Bruni was struck by awe and she was great in love with the Child, but he was tempted not. On the Seventh Day he walked across the Channel of the Angles to the ancient land of the hooligans. There he was welcomed with open arms by the once great prophet Blair and his successor, Gordon the Leper, and his successor, David the Golden One. And suddenly, with the men appeared the archangel Gabriel and the whole host of the heavenly choir, ranks of cherubim and seraphim, all praising God and singing: “Yes, We Can.”
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